Regret

When I was twenty seven, the only cousin I’d ever been close to (and one of the best friends I’d ever had) died suddenly. I still clearly remember hearing she was in the hospital.

It was a Saturday night, and I had just gotten home from a friend’s bachelorette party. I was tipsy, and giggly, and tired. The next day was my mom’s birthday, and I regretted that I wasn’t going to be able to visit.

I was trying to be quiet while I got ready for bed, but my husband woke up. He had gotten a call from my mom, Christa was in the hospital and unconscious. I needed to call.

I called right then, but Mom didn’t know any more than Hubby had told me. I’m sure I spoke to Dad at some point the next day, but I don’t remember. I waited to hear what was going on. Was she going to be alright? What had happened? She was in the hospital for a routine surgery, so how did she end up in a coma?

Sunday passed, and nothing changed. Looking back, I don’t remember Sunday really.

Monday was one of the most difficult work days of my life. I got to work, spoke to my manager about leaving early, and called my mom to pick me up. While I waited for her to arrive, I desperately tried to get in contact with anyone who would know what was going on.

It was mid morning when Mom arrived. Not knowing whether it was okay to visit, or anything new even, I decided not to rush. We stopped for coffee, tried to call again, and then made our way to University Hospital.

It was when we arrived that I finally got through to someone at my aunt and uncle’s house. One of Christa’s brothers answered the phone (Isaac  I think). He didn’t have any news for me, and said I should go into the hospital to see the family. He was in a hurry to get off of the phone.

Mom finished her cigarette, and we made our way into the hospital. The hospital staff asked who I was visiting, and directed me to the waiting area near Christa’s room. Mom and I ran into Aunt Mary on the elevator. I don’t remember what Aunt Mary said, but I’m sure she was the one who told me that Christa had passed.

The rest is a fog. I remember Jolene being incredibly happy to see me. Fourteen, having just lost her sister, and still smiling and laughing. I will always admire the strength she had that day. Uncle Aaron and Aunt Robin as well. Each sitting and talking with the many friends and family who had gathered. Aunt Mary offered to take me to see Christa. To say good bye.

I wasn’t prepared.

I’d been to more than my share of funerals. In four years , we’d lost five on that side of my family (two uncles, an aunt, and both grandparents). We joked (in very poor taste) that the family only got together for funerals. It was at the last of those funerals that Christa and I worked out our differences and began to repair our friendship.

When I walked into her room, she was still on life support. Christa was an organ donor. Aunt Mary had tried to warn me. Seeing Christa so soon after death, with the machines breathing for her… I wanted to believe that it was all a mistake. That she was still alive. I expected her to sit up at any moment and shout “BOO”. I begged her to.

I silently wished she would wake up and tell me it was all a bad joke.

Aunt Mary said that they didn’t know what had happened. One moment she was fine, talking to the lady in the bed next to her, and the next she was quiet. Her neighbor assumed she’d drifted to sleep. But the next morning she didn’t wake up.

As Mom and I were leaving, Jolene stopped us. She had been going through Christa’s day planner, and found several pictures that she wanted us to have. Pictures of my sister and I, and several of my niece.

A short time later Mom and I sat outside the hospital under the trees by Portage Bay. I picked at a chocolate chip cookie while I tried to convince myself of the terrible truth. Christa was dead.

I used to blame myself. To think that if I hadn’t waited until Monday to visit, or if we hadn’t stopped for coffee, I might have gotten to the hospital in time. I might have been able to talk to her and wake her up.

For weeks I couldn’t get through a day at work without needing to step outside of the office while I fought back tears. I was afraid to hurt in the same way again, so I pushed everyone away. My friends. My sister. Even my husband. For months there was nothing but my pain and everything that I did to try to bury it.

Christa wasn’t even thirty. She hadn’t found the love of her life yet. She would never become a mother. We would never go camping together again. Never go dancing together. Never have another pizza and movie night. Never again watch the Princess Bride and sing along during the end credits.

And then I realized what I’d done. Christa would have wanted me to be a big sister to Jolene, and to move on. Slowly I’ve repaired the damage, one step at a time, but I have never been able to work up the courage to reach out to Jolene. It is probably way too late now to be a big sister sort of figure.

Last week marks the seventh anniversary of her passing, and the first where the day passed without my realizing. I miss the friendship that I had with Christa as much as ever. But I can now smile and remember the great times we had together when we were teenagers and how grateful I am that we were able to move past our differences as adults.

I really have no idea how I got on this train of thought tonight. Regret can be super powerful. There are so many things that I wish Christa had been able to experience, and so many things that I regret not saying. But more than anything else, I regret how much I allowed the loss to affect me.

Happy long weekend!

Holy cow… where has the time gone?

I’ve definitely been unmotivated to post recently, but I didn’t realize that it had already been five months! I’m kinda embarrassed with the visitors I may be getting from Syp’s blog, given that I haven’t posted in so long…

So, what have I been up to?

In April I spent a weekend in Seattle with friends at SakuraCon. It was a great time! Lots of anime, people in cosplay (but not me, I’m not that brave), really fascinating panel discussions, and good food, drinks, and laughs with friends. My favorite panels were a couple of panels put on by Roland Kelts about Japanese culture (I’ve been enjoying his book Japanamerica in bits and pieces since then), and a lecture by The Librarian about the symbolism in Spirited Away (Hidden Away by Gods: Rediscovering Miyazaki’s Spirited Away).

Work has gotten more interesting too. In my last post, I vented my frustration with not getting to project manage an implementation project I’d been looking forward to. Well, in late March or early April, that changed. The project manager was no longer available, so I’m leading the project again! Fun work, but overwhelming because my other workload hasn’t decreased much.

In June, Hubby and I were sent to England for some work on the implementation project. Hubby was there for some training on proprietary development tools for the ERP we use in the England office, and I was there for some discovery and training with our UK team. We were there for two weeks, and had a great time. Maybe one of these days I’ll share Hubby’s photos from our day in Bath.

Hmm… Nothing else major has been going on. I’ve been reading the A Song of Ice and Fire series (A Game of Thrones is book one), and am trying to complete book four before the next one is released in a couple of weeks.

Oh, and I’ve been playing Rift. Hubby bought Rift just after it came out, and about a month later he gave me a trial. After the first time I’d closed a rift, I was hooked. I made it to max level faster than I have in any other MMO, and am still enjoying it.

For the rest of this weekend: Today I’ll be doing some reading, visiting my EQ2 guildies, and maybe doing some PvP or dungeons in Rift. Tomorrow we’ll be visiting friends, BBQing, and blowing stuff up, as everyone should on the 4th of July!

If you haven’t seen it already, I wrote a silly little post for Syp, and it went up on biobreak.wordpress.com. I must warn you, it’s cheesy, and I’m not very creative.

Pen and Paper

I use To Do lists at work all the time. I have a list of every project or issue that I’m working on. My work To Do list is a combination of a list of projects that are in progress and actual tasks that I need to do. It can be overwhelming at times, but it helps me remain focused.

Throughout the week I check off tasks that are completed, update my notes on things that are delayed and add new items. Every Monday morning I review the previous week and create a new list. I may have to set things aside to deal with critical issues or new projects, but at least I’m organized when I am ready to pick up from where I left off.

I used to be organized and productive at home too, but when I returned to school in 2005, my approach to home life changed. When I wasn’t working or studying, I did just what was needed to get by; cooking, laundry, etc. I’ve been officially done with school for just over a month and had expected that by now I would have gotten rid of the clutter in my living room and kitchen, set up a little studio space somewhere in my house for when I feel like painting or being crafty, begun work on a painting I abandoned two years ago, and finished two books that I have half read.

Sure, the holidays happened (and for my family the holidays didn’t end until mid-January), but I’ve also been playing games until I’m beyond bored and watching shows on Netflix when I actually feel like being active. Heck, it has even been two weeks since I my last post (It’s a Post a Week challenge, not a Post When Ever You Get Around To It challenge).

It has become apparent to me that I really need to break the bad habits I formed while in school and become more disciplined. Now this isn’t to say that I’ve been ignoring my New Years resolutions, but I know I can do better.

I know. I’m rambling again.

What I’m getting to is that the way I approach things at work is completely different from how I approach them at home. Thinking through all of this helped me to realize that one simple thing can help me gain some momentum: A To Do list.

My approach will be similar to what I do at work. I’m listing my Resolutions (projects), along with the short term tasks that need to happen (Such as cleaning and rearranging/reorganizing the living room), and any other things that are going on that week (such as: games with friends Saturday).

Also, like at work, I’ll be preparing my To Do list in a pen and paper format. I know there are advantages to making a digital To Do list, but I’ve found that making my To Do list with using pen and paper helps me remember my list and helps me avoid the distraction that my computer can offer (look, StumpleUpon! ooh, shiny!).

Of course, it also takes some discipline to actually do what is on my list, but I don’t think that will be much of a problem.

Vacation

I am in the final hours of a week long vacation. It was much like a nine day weekend, and it was amazingly relaxing. Hubby and I haven’t spent so much time together in a very long time.

In the past couple years, when I’ve taken vacation time, it has normally been a long weekend, involved several days spent with my family (without Hubby), or I have taken vacation time at a different time than hubby (one of the challenges of working for the same company in the same department, and of my school time).

We spent quite a bit of time playing Titan Quest: Immortal Throne; a very amusing top down co-op RPG.  I read a little more of The DaVinci Code (very interesting, even though I’ve seen the movie). I made some Mac & Cheese Cups, and tried making Granola Bars (I’ll need practice).

It was a great week, other than straining my back while shoveling wet snow, and I’m looking forward to returning to work tomorrow (yes, really).

I’m Posting every Week in 2011!

I’ve wanted to blog more for quite a while, and now that I’m done with school I actually have the time. Rather than just thinking about doing it, I’m starting right now (and jumping on the postaweek2011 bandwagon).  I will be posting on this blog once a week for all of 2011.

I know it won’t be easy, but it might be fun, inspiring, and motivational (at least for me). Therefore I’m promising to make use of The DailyPost, and the community of other bloggers with similiar goals, to help me along the way, including asking for help when I need it and encouraging others when I can.

If you already read my blog, I hope you’ll continue to encourage me with comments and likes, and good will along the way.

Amanda

Surprise!

I am done with school. For now anyway. I’ve completed my bachelor’s degree and my diploma will arrive sometime next month.

I finished school on the Friday before Christmas. The next week I was busy with Christmas shopping (I’d hardly started while in school). Hubby and I spent Christmas Eve and Christmas Day at his parents’ house. He spent most of the time curled up on the couch with a nasty cold, while I visited the family and helped his mom make Beef Wellington (yum!).

On Sunday, Hubby was too sick to join me for my Dad’s Christmas party. He really wanted to go, but I made him stay home and rest. I had a great day helping prepare dinner, putting together puzzles with one of my nieces and one of my brothers, decorating the tree, and opening gifts.

After dinner Dad invited me up to his in-laws’ place; he needed to pick up a couple of things and thought I’d enjoy meeting them. We visited for about half an hour and just when I was starting to think that I should really head home soon, Dad received a text. It was his wife wondering why we’d been gone so long. (To make sure I’m not giving the wrong impression: I really like Dad’s wife, but she’s not my step-mom. She is more like Dad’s life partner that is also becoming my friend. Since I don’t use names, I’ll just call her Dad’s Wife.)

When we got back to Dad’s place, the house was dark and the door was locked. Both of which are unusual. Someone unlocked the door from inside, and I stepped in as the lights came on and everyone shouted “Surprise!” and started blowing on noise makers.

The room was decorated in my school’s colors (red and gold/black) with streamers and balloons that said Congratulations, Amanda, and 2010. My younger niece came over and covered my eyes. My sister slid something over my arms while Dad’s Wife messed with my hair. When my niece uncovered my eyes, I saw a black tassel hanging to one side off of what I was sure was a graduation cap (even though I couldn’t see myself) and looked down to find myself wearing a bright red gown.

I looked around the room and saw that all of my immediate family was there; my Dad, my sister and nieces, all of my brothers, even Mom.

I was shocked. I’d been under the impression for a long time that Dad didn’t really care that I was in school and maybe even disapproved. On top of that, Mom and Dad have an extreme dislike for each other. The last time I recall seeing them in the same room was at my wedding reception eight years ago.

I had no idea what to say or do. I am not used to being the center of attention. When I’d had a moment to take it all in, my sister disappeared for a moment and some music started (Pomp and Circumstance, the traditional music that is played at graduation ceremonies).

Dad took my arm and walked with me into the living room, and then someone told me to turn my tassel to the other side. One of my brothers or nieces asked me for a speech.  I had no idea what to say, and was already on the verge of tears.

I said something like “A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away, I was born” (a joke for my brothers). I went on to say “and my mommy and daddy raised me right. And I went off to school, but had no idea what I wanted to be so I dropped out. Then I found what I wanted to be and so I went back, and I worked hard, and I finished. And thank you all for being so patient with me.”

I’m pretty sure I really did sound that dumb.

The party was great. Mom made an amazing cake and gave me a beautiful frame to put my diploma in. Dad gave me a beautiful pearl bracelet and necklace. (I was in shock again. My dad doesn’t do big gifts like that.)

Everyone visited and had a great time. Mom and Dad even had some polite and very comfortable conversation.

I regret not having the presence of mind, while I had my whole family in one place, to ask for a family picture. Perhaps in the spring when my niece graduates from high school I’ll get another opportunity.

The reality of being done is just starting to hit me.

Even at the party, it seemed unreal. Then this past week I received an invitation from Capella to attend commencement, and the reality of being done and not being able to actually attend commencement sunk in.

I am grateful to my family in so many ways for the party that they threw me and their support over the past five years. I don’t know how I can ever express it, but I’ll definitely try.

Now to enjoy some of my new found free time.

Work / Life Balance? It doesn’t! | Weifarer’s Wanderings

One of WordPress’s Freshly Pressed featured blogs caught my eye today, and it really hit home for me.

Maybe it is just that my eyes are glazed from too many hours of spreadsheets and my brain feels like it has atrophied to the size of a pea due to lack of stimuli, but I’m feeling less than amicable to my current job. Sure, everyone goes through spates of unreasonable deadlines where work piles up faster than it leaves and nothing seems to function correctly. Top brass sends sympathy cards along with the next stack of due dates. “Keep your chin up! You are doing a great job.” My personal favorite: “We know this will be a tough goal to meet.” You know you are doomed when you hear that one!

Not that I hate my job or even average much more than an 8 hour day, but I am feeling a little burned out recently. Work burnout combined with school stress is actually making me sick. Pile on top of that personal stresses (my mother’s health, my own obnoxious health problems, etc), some days I’m surprised that I can function.

The rest of the blog post is a great. Give it a read at: Work / Life Balance? It doesn’t! | Weifarer’s Wanderings.

AFK

I’m taking a break from trying to post regularly while I finish school. I may still post periodically, but check back in late December for fresh posts semi-regularly. Have a great fall!

~ Amanda

Monday update; and maybe the last for a while

This last weekend was busy. Saturday afternoon and evening when Hubby and I visited some friends and had a nice relaxing time playing games (the D&D Castle Ravenloft board game and pinochle).

The rest of the weekend was pretty much all school work. This quarter is going to be intense, there is no doubt about it. I spent most of the weekend trying to get comfortable with the simulation software that we’re using and how all the different options in each screen impact all of the others. My brain hurts. It will be a fun project, but it will take a ton of work.

Realistically, I don’t think I’m going to get to do much more than the random lunch-time post for the next couple months. I know I’m sporadic about posting normally, and not having new stuff here never really comes as a surprise, but I thought I’d give some warning.

I hate knowing that the five posts in progress that are just going to sit untouched in my drafts, but school comes first.

SecondLife by Proxy

I’d like to be participating in SecondLife with @LiberalTugboat today, but I had to turn him down.

What, you don’t know what SecondLife is? Kreg’s Donations Page says it better than I could:  

Hi I’m Kreg Schlosser and this year I’m raising money and awareness for my local Children’s Miracle Network hospital, Seattle Children’s Hospital.

On October 16th, 2010 I’ll attempt to play video games for 24-hours straight, and I’ve asked you to come by in hopes that you’ll support me by giving just $1.00 per hour ($24 total).

Your donation is tax-deductible and 100% of your gift goes to help heal sick kids, here in Seattle, WA.

This Fall, my fellow Extra Life gamers are going to make miracles happen for kids. I can’t do that without your support. My goal is to raise $500.00.

Children who spend their lives in the hospital deserve more than we can ever give them. I hope my small sacrifice can help a child who has had so much taken away from them.

Visit Kreg’s donations page to make a donation and watch all the fun on justin.tv